Not many people talk about verbal abuse in the relationship. That’s because a part of the society already accepted it as a norm. That whatever people say to others, it is only an expression of what they think and feel. But in reality, a lot of individuals use it as an excuse to abuse the people who don’t deserve the treatment. The abuser doesn’t realize how a specific word can bring too much anxiety and depression.
According to Darlene Lancer, LMFT, “Abusers typically want to control and dominate. They use verbal abuse to accomplish this. They are self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, and they lack empathy and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding.”
“I Just Said It Because I’m Angry”
People often say that whenever they are in a relationship argument, there’s a significant tendency that they might curse and name-call. They believe that the particular action is a sign of an emotional outburst. However, the whole idea of spitting unnecessary words is not due to anger. But it is instead an act of disrespecting the person who shares a different opinion with them. A lot of people might not see it, but those people who often feel frustrated for not winning an argument and curse more will more likely become an abuser in the long run. Not only in verbal, but as well as in physical, emotional, and mental aspects.
Berit Brogaard, Ph.D., explained, “The most instinctive way to respond to a verbal abuser is to attempt to reason with him or her. When a person negatively defines you as a liar or child, your natural reaction is to attempt to convince the abuser why their labels are mistaken. In doing so, you’re expecting the abuser to be a normal adversary, someone who will listen to reasons and arguments. But the fact is that you cannot reason with a verbal abuser.”
“It Doesn’t Mean A Thing”
Of course, it does. Every hurtful word that people use to spit out from their mouth means something. Sometimes, it is even a lot. Others often hear the statement “it doesn’t mean a thing” after a reconciliation. However, it is not often the case. That’s because once people start thinking negatively about their other halves, the problem sticks in the relationship somewhere. No one spits out words without thinking about its relevance in the argument. Therefore, whatever it is that some individuals tell their partners means they already thought about it. These people already wanted to say it, but they only could not find the right moment when to do it. Therefore, when there’s an argument, they see it as an opportunity to spit out those unnecessary words only to win the current situation.
As family therapist Bruce Linton wrote, “Many people take to heart the old saying, ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me,'” says Linton. “But names can be very injurious, especially when said by someone we love.”
“It Is Just A Word”
Perhaps, it is. However, the unnecessary and disrespectful words cause too much emotional pain and mental degradation to other individuals who don’t deserve it. The truth is, no one deserves to hear it. But there are those people who feel entitled to say whatever they want. Hence, these people excuse themselves by stating that those are only words. That again, it doesn’t mean a thing. What they didn’t know is that the words they keep on repeating and telling their partners are the same things that torture them. They somehow don’t realize that the words they use to hurt others merely represent the picture of their life and become a reflection of their personality.
“I Didn’t Mean It That Way”
Abused people often hear this statement a lot. But, that’s utter crap. The abusers don’t consider other people’s feelings and focus only on their capability to verbally damage someone. Why? That’s because they feel they can. Therefore, when others tell someone that those insignificant words don’t mean the way it supposed to, that’s a lie. Those ungrateful words mean what they mean. There’s no way you can use disrespectful and unworthy words for a good cause. Besides, no single explanation will excuse people from verbally hurting someone. It is either they mean it, or often think about it.
“You Will Get Used To It”
Abused people shouldn’t have to get used to it. They don’t need to allow unworthy people to treat them that way. It’s never a better contributor in any kind of relationship. No one needs to stick with the idea of committing to these people who don’t value their partners’ emotional and mental development. Words can mean so much and using it for verbal torture is not one of the appropriate ways to do that. No one should put up with lame excuses and wholeheartedly accept their abused situation.
It’s understandable that no relationship is perfect. That even though people try so hard not to say something wicked about others, they’ll eventually will. But it doesn’t have to be a norm. There’s always a way to better express ideas and thoughts without hurting the people around you over and over again.